Managing Personal Conflict - Mom in the hospital
I rarely get into 'conflicts' as I typically choose to escape from it or prevent it from escalation. However, conflicts are not entirely unavoidable. They happen everyday of a person's life.
The most recent conflict I encountered is related to my mom. She had to be rushed to the hospital due to sudden onset of temporary paralysis, nerve damage, memory loss and disorientation. Here in our country, family members are 'required' and 'expected' to stay with the patient in the hospital. Since my mom is very heavy, at least two people at a time have to be with her in the hospital 24/7 to carry her, feed her, bathe her, clean her even brush her teeth for her. Her disorientation and memory loss have also added stress to the caring situation. Everday we have conflicts arise as to who can stay with her. Since my siblings and I all have jobs and personal lives we have been having great difficulty with the scheduling. All our personal needs have to be taken into consideration like I am 7 months pregnant with a little boy to care for as well as I cannot be absent much from work because I do not have leaves like my other siblings do thus when I do not work, I do not get paid. My other sibling is a doctor and he cannot miss work too as he has to pay another doctor to take his place when he absents himself. The first week at the hospital was easier as we all took time away from work and sacrificed but when the second week came, it became more difficult as leaves from work were not possible anymore... Then my siblings got sick with the flu at the second week too.
We constantly have to talk together as a group to negotiate and compromise. Personally I use 'I statements' as much as possible too. Just to make my feelings and needs known. We also ask questions to each other whenever we meet and refrain from personal attacks. We try to be respectful, responsive to each others needs as well. for example, unlike them my siblings do not allow me to sleep over at the hospital but instead makes me go home by midnight since I have a child and they do not want me to get extremely exhausted from the lifting of my mom since I am pregnant. When one is sick, another person immediately jumps up to take his/her place. We also respect differences. For example, one of my brothers cannot physically handle cleaning my mom when she defecates so the others have to adjust to him.
Despite the use of the the 3 R's and non-violent communication and compromising, there are still times that we experience some tension especially when we are too tired and emotionally drained. But we still try to work it out together. Our mom needs us to.
Who I am as a Communicator
This week we were asked to take 3 inventories (Verbal Aggressiveness, Listening Skills and Communication Anxiety). We were also asked to choose two people who would rate us using those scales too.
The first person I chose was my husband, Jason, for we have been together for over 15 years and I think he knows me the best. The second person was a friend of mine, Lynne. I chose her because I have been able to interact with her in different capacities like being a friend, a godparent to my son, a colleague, a co-coordinator for events for children, spiritual accountability partner, co-host in events for children and as a consultant for her preschool.
It was interesting to see how all three of us came up with scores in terms of my verbal aggressiveness that were so close together and all fall in the midpoint of the scale. Thus, we all agree that I am moderate in verbal aggressiveness and tries to not attack people or hurt feelings when I try to persuade them. I think this level of verbal aggressiveness is and will continue to be helpful in my personal and professional life for as they said, I try to remain respectful of people and stick to the topic at hand. Being like this will help me communicate with other people without attacking their character and will help me be able to work well with others.
All three of us also rate the same way for my listening skills. We all think that I belong to the first group, people-oriented. We all believe that I focus on the feelings/emotions of people I talk to. This will also be helpful in both my personal and professional lives as I can make people feel valued as I listen to them and validate their feelings. However, this can also be a barrier in a way especially since I can be too focused on the emotions that I forget or lose sight of the details/content given. My mom and husband also think that I can easily be deceived by the stories of other people.
The only difference in the rating was with regards to my communication anxiety. Lynne think that I have low communication anxiety while my husband placed me in having mild anxiety. I on the other hand, scored myself to having moderate communication anxiety. Lynne thinks that I am very comfortable when we host together or when I do lectures and speak in front of a large group. My husband knows me a little bit more and knows that I sometimes have anxiety when I speak in front of groups. This may also be because I tell him what I feel more. They both do not know that I often times feel anxious before, during and after I speak especially in large group settings. I just try not to show it much, I guess. This self-presentation may help me professionally as people do not know that I am not comfortable while I am speaking.
Week 3
Cultural diversity is also apparent within a family. For example, I often find myself behaving and communicating differently when I am with my relatives who belong to a very strict and traditional religious organization in our country. I am more careful about what I say and how I behave when I am with them. I am more quiet than usual and refrain from talking about anything religious especially since we belong to different faiths and I do not want to offend them in anyway. Another example is that in the nuclear family I grew up in we greet each other with a kiss on the cheek. But the more 'traditional' Filipino families greet each other especially older individuals in a different way. Younger Filipinos are expected to show respect to the elders by "blessing" (getting the elder's hand and bringing this up to touch his/her forehead). Having an American grandparent and parent, my siblings, cousins and I never did that to our own relatives and find it uncomfortable. But when I am with my husband's family, who comes from a traditional Filipino family, I make it a point to follow that custom even if I am not comfortable doing it. I also adjust my language when I am with them. Growing up in an somewhat "American" family we do not use the common sign of respect used in the Filipino language "po" and "opo". Here, Filipinos are expected to end our sentences with "po" or "opo" when talking with somebody older or in authority. So, when I am outside my home, I can be heard using these terms even though it is not part of my home language.
What strategies can I then use to help me communicate more effectively?
1. I need to develop certain skills like being more flexible in adapting some behaviors and language nuances of the person/group I am interacting with (Beebe, Beebe & Redmond, 2011).
2. Practice being other-oriented, apply the Platinum Rule. (Beebe, Beebe 7 Redmond, 2011)
3. Constantly engage in self-reflection and get to know my self more (Vuckovic, 2008). I must also avoid negative judgments to form in my mind.
Silent episode
For week 2 of the communication and collaboration course, we asked to watch in mute an episode of a TV show that we do not watch. I chose the TV show House of Lies (episode 2) because aside from having it on file, I have not watched any episode of this series before and have no background about the plot and the characters.
It was quite an experience watching a whole episode with the sounds turned off especially since I have no idea what the story is about, the characters of the plot. Some relationships were easy to identify like being colleagues/ officemates, sexual partners, boss/leader and employees and father and son because of how they interacted and touched each other. The officemates were easy to spot because they wore business/corporate clothing and were having a meeting inside the office. The sexual partners likewise were easy to distinguish because of the intimate and sexual nature of the touches showed. The boss was immediately spotted since he was the one seated while the other 3 stood up behind him in a meeting in front of a 'client'. The father and son relationship was not apparent during the beginning of the show because they were hardly shown together. But at the ending, they were together in the home, wearing home clothes and playing a video game together with warm touches. The other relationships were too abstract for me to distinguish without the sounds on.
Some behavioral/non-verbal cues were also very easy to catch. Like in the beginning of the show, a Caucasian man was showing uneasiness and nervousness because of twitching, fidgeting of hands, quivering lips and sweaty upper lips. Anger was also easy to spot as they commonly used frowns, wide-open mouths, pointing, and large, determined gestures. I was also able to see one expression of disgust based on the contextual cues and because of the facial expression and lip formation of "ewww". Surprise was also an expression I detected based on wide-open eyes and surprised brow based on page 110 of O'Hair & Wiemann (2009). Sexual attraction was also noticeable based on the lingering looks and type of touches exhibited.
It was only when the sounds were turned on that I understood the show more. Abrasiveness were sometimes not seen because they were only heard through the verbal cues. It was only when the sounds were on that I understood what people were talking about. I usually understood what they were feeling but had no idea what was causing the feelings they were expressing. I also now understood some of the reactions because the relationships also became clearer. I thought they could be lawyers but apparently they were PR consultants. Some of the expressions the other characters showed also became understandable because through the verbal cues I realized that some were just part of bickering among friends/colleagues.
This exercise, for me, proved that hearing verbal cues, knowing the context, knowing the people and the plot will help me understand things more. I believe that I could have understood more if I was asked to watch a TV series that I was familiar with. Being familiar with the personalities and past experiences of particular characters help one 'understand' what the context of a particular situation/interaction was. For example, if I watched Hawaii Five-O for this exercise, I would have immediately known that though the lead characters had intense angry looking facial expressions when talking with each other, they were not angry with each other but rather teasing and bickering (Steve and Danny in Hawaii Five O). Or when their faces change from happy to angry when they see a particular person, I would know why because of past episodes. But for this show, I had to background to compare my notes with.
It was truly a unique and fun exercise to do though. I got to use my imagination and create dialogues and plots in my head...
